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Beddelheim and the Rhetoric of Blame
In Bruno Beddelheim's book The Empty Fortress (1967), Beddelheim, an Austrian Holocaust survivor with a PhD in art history, argues that autism is an emotional disturbance brought on by a mother's subconscious rejection of the child. Beddelheim argues that because a child becomes autistic when a mother rejects him/her by not nurturing his/her subconscious self and actively engaging with the child. Because the mother rejects the child, the child, in turn, rejects the world.
Ridiculous, right? In this day and age, with medical technology what it is and medical advances changing daily, we shudder to think about the poor, distraught mothers sick with grief for "causing" their children's emotional disturbances by subconsciously rejecting their children in the womb. We now know that autism is a spectrum disorder that runs in genetically in families. Sure, some people blame vaccines; others the toxins in our water and soul; others the diets we feed our children. But, we've come much farther in psychology to realize that autistic children are not schizophrenics who reject the world in response to their mothers' emotional rejections. Right?
No. I'm still constantly answering questions, justifying my parenting skills, and reassuring people that Tobey is okay. That his autism is not anyone's fault, and it's certainly not mine. Tobey is Tobey. He might do things a little differently, but he does them his own way.
Case in point: Tobey still has issues with potty training. Autistic children, by and large, focus so intensely on singular, isolated events that they often "tune" out the rest of the world. It's why they are obsessed with spinning or shiny objects oftentimes. Why they can memorize a scene from a movie or television show after a single viewing word-for-word. Why they are often obsessed with moving parts in machines and motors. And, it's also common for autistic children to become so focused on a single event, object, or scene that they lose focus on the rest of the world, including the urge to go to the bathroom. Hence, Tobey (at 6) still has issues with potty training.
I just accept that fact and know that, like everything else, Tobey will do it when he's ready. Until then, I just clean him up and go about my day. Besides, Tobey is the most wonderful, precious person I've ever known in my entire life (aside from Alex). He's more caring and trusting than anyone I've ever known. He loves unconditionally and completely. He doesn't know how to lie and wouldn't know to do it if he was supposed to. And, there are days that raising Tobey feels like a privilege--that some higher power believed me capable, generous, and loving enough to raise this little boy. I'm truly honored that he's my child.
But, today. Today...
My ex-husband, which some of you know well, doesn't see Tobey's potty training and behavioral issues as "just Tobey." Instead, I'm babying him and Tobey's just too lazy to learn better. After all, Tobey isn't "retarded." Tobey's not "banging his head on the floor." Tobey is just "lazy" and I'm "babying him." If I really worked with him, "his behavioral issues would not be a problem." If I weren't too concerned with my own school work, I'd take better care of him. I'm not doing enough, not caring enough, not everything enough. Apparently, autism is still the mother's fault. And, in this case, Tobey's autism is my fault.
And, I suppose, I'm tired and I'm angry and I'm frustrated. Because I get tired during the other 28 days out of the month that I'm having to clean up Tobey's accidents. I get tired of having to clean up the bathroom when he does try to clean himself up and clogs the toilet. I get tired having to run to the school because Tobey had an accident again and his extra clothes are already dirty again.
I get tired of having to call out Tobey's name every 2 minutes to make sure he's still in the house because he's runaway before. I get tired of never being able to open a window upstairs because Tobey will try to jump out. I get tired of having to clean up closets and bookshelves because Tobey likes to pull the books off the shelf. I get tired of having to keep the water off to the bathroom sinks because Tobey will construct his own swimming pool in the sink. I get tired of never being able to take Alex to a movie because it just won't work w/ Tobey there. I get tired of ARD meetings and autism blogs that tell me I'm not trying hard enough because Tobey's not on some micro-macro gluten, casein, lactose-free diet and that I'm poisoning my son. I'm tired of working for what seems like days trying to get Tobey to pay attention enough to spell "C-A-T." And, I'm tired of relatives complaining that Tobey won't eat their food because I don't make him--Tobey would rather starve.
But, right now, most of all, I'm mostly tired of ex-husbands and their new girlfriends both of whom know nothing about autism and see Tobey 3 days out of the month, telling me what I am and am not doing. Or, what I should or should not be doing.
posted by: rgregory at 04:51 |
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